Studious.

[sajith]

At Goa, last year, studying a restaurant menu. Photo by abdul_rafeeq. If I could concentrate that hard on the textbooks, I believe I would have been doing much better now. (It's my bloody silly journal, so I should be allowed to get away with this kind of narcissism once in a while, dear beautiful people.)

Now that the picture has stated something, I could proceed with the remaining pointlessness.

We went to Kottayam over the weekend. On Friday night, through the train window, I stared at full-moon landscapes. Until the stealthy sleep came over and gently closed my eyes. (Once at Kottayam, we kept the Mallu flags flying in the toddy shops of Kumarakam, etc.) On the way back, all our eight seats were at eight different places in three different compartments. To fight potential boredom, I picked up old Richard Bach from the book stall. The Bridge Across Forever, it's called.

Tonight, it's been raining hard outside. I could not go home, so thought I'd abuse the bandwidth and the blockquote.

"I distance everybody, wook! It's not that it's you, it's that I don't let anyone let too close to me. I never want to get attached to anybody."

"Why?" There had been annoyance in her voice. It was happening more often now. Without warning, the talks we had would jump the tracks and she'd be mad at me for the smallest thing. "What's so terrible about getting attached to someone?"

Because I might make a huge investment of hope in one human being and then lose it all. I assume that I know who she is and then I find out that she's somebody else entirely and I have to go back to the drawingboard redesigning again and after a while I conclude there's no one I can fully know except myself and that's pretty iffy. The only thing I can trust anyone else is to be true to who they are and if they're going to explode into strange angers now and then the best thing to do is to stand back a bit so as not to get torn in the blast. Isn't that obvious, clear as yesterday?

"Because then I'm not quite so independent as I want to be," I said.

She had tilted her head and looked at me carefully. "Are you telling me the highest truth you know?"

There are moments, I thought, when having a mind-reader for a best-friend is uncomfortable, indeed.

He's been good so far. I'm told it's crappy towards the end. I'll risk that anyway.

(No one should accuse me of being coherent, to-the-point, etc., from now on, ok?)

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Happy belated B-day! I'm sorry i didn't remember this time. I know you don't care too much for birthdays at this point. I would have shared some paayasam with you...;^)
I enjoyed that dialogue from the Bach book. It reminded me of so many individuals i know who wouldn't even dare to own a pet because they might lose it. Of mad women who wouldn't dare ask and understand. Of men who would scare away love because it makes them vulnerable. It reminds me of that song by Seal "....no we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy...." An then i look at that unsuspecting dog in your user pic,thinking of all the love it could have if people weren't so scare to do it....getting to the blah realm here.....don't pay attention....

Be well!

Marleny

[sajith.livejournal.com]

Thanks. True, I don't care anymore, but paayasam anytime sounds good :)